I don't really know what I'm writing here.. I guess I need to get some thoughts and feelings out and this post might not make a lot of sense (I apologise for that), but hopefully this will make me feel better afterwards.
I'm having doubts about me modelling in the sims community. For several reasons.
I've been modelling for around a year and a half now, but I don't see a lot of improvement from when I first started modelling. My pictures still look kinda crap compared to other people's I see. There's people who joined only a couple of months ago and are far more incredible editors than I could ever be. The improvements they have made astound me, and honestly put me to shame. I look at them, and it gets me so down, because I have had much time to improve, yet I haven't seen myself progress much at all.
I feel like I'm not worthy to be modelling. That sounds dramatic I know, but it's what I'm truly thinking. I don't deserve to be there, because I will never be an amazing modeller or editor like so many I see. Someone may be in the same comp as me, and I enter a picture that I think looks pretty good, until I see their one and it blows mine out of the water. I guess it makes me feel a bit depressed.
I mean, even my favourite picture I've ever done got 10th out of 12th in a competition. That just puts into perspective my entire modelling career.
The only time I won a modelling comp was when the person I was competing against disappeared, and so I won by default. And the time I was a finalist in Nature's Finest? Heh, I was only there because someone dropped every round.
Some people are insanely good at in-game pictures. Some people are stunning editors.
But me? I'm neither. I mean, my in-games are not that good at all. My graphics card is terrible, and just makes my pictures 1000x times worse. And I can't really edit. Yeah sure I can cut and paste a sim on a background. But I can't skin-shade, draw makeup, clothing or hair. I can't make a sim look like they're somewhere they are not. I can't produce gorgeous lighting effects or dazzling pictures.
I'm just there. Trying so hard to be good, when I know I'll never be.
This has been chipping away at me for a little while now. Everytime I enter a picture more doubt creeps into my mind. And now I just feel.. I just feel like complete crap.
I don't mean to be depressing you guys, but I just need to get this out, to someone who understands what I'm talking about.
I want to give up. I just feel like I need to leave the community, even just for a little bit.
But I can't. I feel like I need to prove myself to people.
I'll probably feel like a complete and utter idiot tomorrow for posting this. Please don't feel obliged to comment, because that's not why I wrote this. You can if you want, of course, but that's not my main motivation for writing this. I'm not fishing for compliments either, because I HATE when people do that. I just needed to get this out. That's all.
2 comments:
It's always good to get out your feelings when you need to, and that's kind of what a blog is for, so don't feel embarrassed you wrote this.
I think at some point, everyone feels like they're not good at something and wants to give up. I'm a Creative Writing major, and there are days when I think my writing sucks and think I should completely change my major because I'll never be as good as other people. Most of the time, I remember that I love writing and even if I'll never be as amazing as some other people, it's still worth doing.
If it's really causing you that much distress, I don't think it's a bad thing to take a break. You have nothing to prove to anyone. One time I took a break from the sims website for practically 10 months, and it was okay, because ultimately the sims is a game and the forums are an online community. You have the right to take a break if you need one.
That being said, you don't need to worry about your pictures. Some people are super intense about photo-editing. I've never been like that, and honestly you seem to know more about it than me! You also said that your graphics card isn't amazing. Well, what could you do about that? You don't need to dish out the money (or get your parents to dish out the money) for a fancy new card, or possibly even a new computer. That's out of your hands.
I suggest you join competitions which aren't heavy on editing. I don't really do much sim modeling, but in one of the few I've ever been in, editing wasn't allowed at all. I got third place in that one, but only because a bunch of people dropped. But you know what? I was still proud, because it was a hard competition, and I managed to stick it out to the end and complete every assignment. It seems as though you've shown that you can do the same thing. So what if you just won by default? That means all the other contestants quit and you didn't!
So maybe you don't have a natural gift at sim modeling? Oh well, I know I don't, and I'm guessing most people don't either. Ultimately, it's not going to be very important to the rest of your life. I'm sure you have other, great talents that just don't apply to this particular area. If it means anything, I think your pictures look fine- I seem to remember a nice shot with cool outdoor lighting (maybe a sunset?).
If you truly like sim modeling, I'd say keep going and who cares if you win? If it's causing you more stress than enjoyment, maybe take some sort of break.
A lot of what you say is true Jojo, I suppose I didn't realise that!
I mean, I just want to find my niche in the sims world. Like when I did my legacy, people seemed to enjoy it but in the end I didn't.
And now this - I do enjoy sim editing, but sometimes it can just get a bit overwhelming. I tend to compare myself to others, and I know that I really shouldn't do that, because it doesn't do me good at all.
I do think I need to take a break from the community, but in some ways I can't. It's become a part of my daily rountine, checking competitions and lurking forums. I think I'd have withdrawal symptoms if I left! But I think I will eventually take a break for a bit, because sometimes I do get down about it. It's just.. I wish I could see improvement in myself. If I saw that I don't think I'd have any problems at all. I guess I just wanted to be the best at everything I do, and I realise now it isn't always possible.
About winning a competition by default.. I think what you said has made me see the light. I try my hardest, and that's the best I can do. At least I stuck to it, and I suppose that does make me a worthy winner :)
Thanks Jojo. You've given me some things to think about, and I really appreciate you being there for me to talk to. I'll let you know how things go with me!
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